personal, poetry, thoughts

I Am Not Like My Mother

I’m not like my mother
The perfect wife of an absent man
The present parent to the one off-duty
The caretaker, the homemaker.

I am not like my mother
To wait nights up alone wondering where he’s gone
To spend days questioning if she’s done something wrong
To fake a smile going to gatherings alone.

I am not like my mother.

I am
Continue reading “I Am Not Like My Mother”

personal, ramblings, thoughts, works of fiction

Throwback: To A Time

It feels like long ago, almost in some other life, there was a time when everything could be reduced to a spectrum of simple, yes and no questions. “Wanna hang out, you going to the bonfire, dinner together at 7?“.

But humans are all but simple, and I learned that the hard way, when my room’s walls started shaking and closing in on me at night. When I started counting the calories in my toothpaste because, at the end of the day, they do add up. I learned it the hard way when my anxiety kicked in at 5 in the morning, when my shaking breast woke me with waves of pain that felt like earthquakes on my limbs. When the idea of showing up a few minutes late to class, and having people’s eyes on me as I made my way to the last row of seats made me consider not showing up at all. When my friends’ questions could no longer be answered with a simple yes or no. “Are you ok? BBQ at Josh’s tonight? Are you sure you’re ok?“.

I curled myself up in so many balls by now there must be a cylindrical imprint of my body on the mattress. I learned that crying takes up a lot of energy, so after a while I started hibernating through my days. Grey blurs of hours, followed by long cold nights, and all the sobs reverberating through the walls. Walls closing in on you. Bricks closing in on you, mocking you with their weight, collapsing onto you, stealing all the air from your lungs. Sobs.

Cringing at the smell of food, and all the vomiting. Oh my, the vomiting. Continue reading “Throwback: To A Time”

inspirational, thoughts

I Hope You Will Find Strenght

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“To my 11-week-old baby:

I was watching a polar bear mama who just had two baby cubs (some show on The Arctic). She held them for weeks as it was too cold to go out; snuggled and bundled in her paws, she licked their fur every couple of minutes, rearranged it so that they looked their absolute cutest. Finally they could roam free and the mama was on close watch scanning every direction, noise and movement. All the while, the sweet little cubs learning to tumble and eat while exploring the new world. As soon as danger lurked, she hurried them to safety; their protector, their guardian.
I cried the whole time — silent tears streaming down my face into a sea of sorrow.

Your daddy didn’t notice (sometimes I think he never does). I was just like the polar bear, doing anything I could to protect my baby.

Except I wasn’t successful; I’ll never hold you, teach you, love you.

To my unborn baby: Continue reading “I Hope You Will Find Strenght”