“i knew if i loved you, i’d have to let you see it: the ugly. the wretched. the parts of me that paint sickness fingertips on everything lovely i’ve ever touched or wanted. the panic picnics, the saffron taste of fear, the hollow ring of sobs at four in the morning. the aching, constant. the selfishness, the manipulation, the terrible lies i wrapped myself in.
you asked why i never let you get close. i told you there are no guard rails here. i want you to enjoy your time with me without worrying about falling. i want you to think i’m a safe place to live. i don’t want to hand you this terrible baggage. i am all drop, all free fall. all empty nights and screaming.
you held my hand. you said, “i like roller coasters for just that reason. all falling. all rush. all being safe in the end.”
please don’t love me please don’t love me oh god i can’t stand it you have so much faith and i’m going to break it.”