It is just one of those days.
The first day of many to come when intensive withdrawal symptoms are experienced, and of course, the first one is always the toughest. Withdrawal symptoms include irritability, fatigue, shaking, anxiety, insomnia, headache and difficulty concentrating, and they may range from mild to severe. The thing is, they are never mild. What they usually are and do is make you feel thrown on the ground and have you feeling like someone is stomping on your chest, tearing your lungs apart by breaking your ribs one at a time and having them pierce like splinters through your heart. There is a hand with its fingers wrapped around your neck, pressing on your throat, but it never strangles you so it would end the pain. No, no. It just presses there, so you are unable to breathe and struggle for air. Gasping for breath by breath only to realise that even when air reaches your torn-apart lungs, all it does is cause more pain.
Do you even know what are you withdrawing from? Pain and suffering. So you are in pain and you suffer because you don’t want to hurt and ache anymore. You want to cut down on the anxiety and all those sleepless nights you turn in bed figuring out what has happened, and how have you got here, and the reasons why, and all the things you want to ask but you are too afraid to because you are not sure you want the real answer. That part of your life should be gone – you have never felt like that before, but you are unsure if you are ever supposed to. It’s eating you alive from the inside out, so you decide to make a clean cut. No hassle, with surgical precision.
What they never tell you is that that type of surgery is usually performed without any anaesthesia or painkillers, and you have to go through it wide awake, feeling it all. So all of the confusion lies right there – which pain is better, which wound is gonna heal sooner, and which cut is gonna make your skin thicker for next time?
The weather is nice today, but I wish it rained. On days like this, when the first withdrawal day flashes back, all I need is the sky raining upon the city and washing away all the dirt and the dust and the memories. In nightmares like this one, I wish there was a way to let my inner storm out of the window.